(Warning: This post is long!) Dissertation

I officially changed my dissertation topic- woohoo!


I decided that I had had enough with banging my head against the (ever changing) old topic. Call me selfish but I wanted a project that I was calling the shots on, one that I didn't write an entirely new draft of every month or so, one that didn't make me appear like a lazy slacker in front of my committee.
For those that don't know the back story, here's a shortened version.

One of my committee members, (the most dominant, passive-aggressive, manipulating professor in my program who I shall refer to as Dr. TwoFace), 'suggested' that I take on her project since my contacts for my previous dissertation weren't being as helpful as they promised. She stated that she was, "...looking out for my best interest," and that I had been, "...specifically picked out," for this prestigious project that would be so easy to complete. I panicked. I thought that my professors had to have been seriously concerned with my dissertation  project to meet and talk about giving me this new one. I felt special that they were looking out for me. So I took on her research.

That was a mistake. While I freely admit that no one held a gun to my head, I did not sign up for what ensued. The official hypothesis kept changing as did the variables. This meant that every time I spent 10 or so hours creating a draft and then turned it into my advisor, it came back as needing a complete overhaul because the main components had changed. This meant more research, more writing, more time.
When I was finally ready for a preliminary defense, I went in with what I felt like was a great 'Chapter 1', (the necessary documents for a preliminary defense). However, not only did my defense take almost an hour, (most take 15 minutes), but Dr. TwoFace completely dominated the meeting. This is particularly unusual as my advisor, (I'll call her Dr. Pleasant), should have been the main voice, my other committee member, (I'll call her Dr. Friend), should have been the second most vocal, and then Dr. TwoFace. But no. I don't think my other two committee members said but 20 words during the whole hour. And Dr. TwoFace grilled me on my paper, stated that it, "...wasn't what we have come to expect from (me). This wasn't Amanda level work," and then asked why I didn't know more about my variables. I tried to explain that they had changed so many times but I could barely form a sentence I was so stunned. Luckily, Dr. Friend asked for a two-minute bathroom break after about 30 minutes of this torture and I was able to walk to the bathroom and let out the tears I was barely holding back at this point. I came back, fresh faced, and completely crushed. I was feeling only an inch tall but I was determined to not let my committee know. (Although I know Dr. Friend knew, she knows me pretty well.) They then spent the next twenty minutes changing around what my official question should be and what my hypothesis would be and which variables I would use. They spent 20 minutes discussing and debating and deciding these key parts of my dissertation. They didn't know them before now. HOW IN THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO HAVE KNOWN THEM?! I am not a freaking mind reader. I went with the information I had at the moment and had done my best. I then left the room while they debated my passing status, (which is normal), and when I came back in, I was told I was being granted a preliminary pass. That meant that there was a lot to change in my dissertation but they wanted to see me continue with this project. I was also told that this was only because Dr. Pleasant had promised to work closely with me on it, (which is what she should have been doing anyways since she was my advisor). Reading between the lines- Dr. TwoFace had wanted to fail me but wanted me to do her research for her and so had made it very clear that she would give me a preliminary pass with the explicit direction that Dr. Pleasant needed to work on polishing my work.

Fast forward a couple of months. I am working on yet again another draft of this dissertation. I have spent so much time and effort on it and yet I have not gotten any closer in the writing aspect of this project. All I have done is spend almost fifty hours analyzing and scoring videos and analyzing and scoring written reports, aka- collecting data. But the variables keep changing. And I was growing tired of spending so many hours and not having anything to show for it.

So I created an entirely new project, got it in the works, and started collecting data. Once I had a solid start on it, I went in and told my advisor what I had done. She was caught off-guard, to say the least. I told her that the old project wasn't all for naught- I had a flash drive of all of my data, writings, and a folder of research articles that I was willing to hand over to Dr. TwoFace and that she could analyze it all to her heart's content without needing to reference me on any of her findings or article write-ups. But as far as I was concerned, I had made up my mind and there was no going back. I offered to tell the rest of my committee but she said she'd take care of it. The next meeting I had with her she seemed more coherent and we talked stats (her forte) and how to prove my hypotheses. She also said that while they weren't really sure what to do with me, my other committee members had agreed to let me take on a new project. (Actually, she said that Dr. Friend had said she would go along with whatever Dr. TwoFace and Dr. Pleasant decided. Which is weird because she's actually the expert on the new topic I'm researching but again, Dr. TwoFace's intimidation beats down even her fellow professors.) So they decided that I could go ahead and work on my new topic- and by 'they' I mean Dr. TwoFace probably said it was ok because the other two said it was fine and she didn't want her dominance to be too apparent. But they had one stipulation; they want me to write a brief, one-page letter. The first paragraph should explain what I learned on my old project and why my new dissertation is better for me and a better it for my scholastic/career path. The main body of the letter should be what I would change about my journey to this point or, "If you could go back and change things in your process, what would they be?" I got the impression that this is supposed to be my apology paragraph for being so 'problematic' and being so 'unprofessional' about this whole thing. In fact, Dr. Pleasant stated this will, "...hopefully assist in your professional development. Reflecting on a not-so-smooth process will help with your professional presentation and hopefully help to develop some more professionalism in your research because you know, internship and the outside world... you have to be able to work with, for research, work professionally." Yeah. Seriously?!  I can quote directly from every single practicum review about my strengths at working in a team. Not to be boastful, but this year's practicum site was specifically designed for me because I have such great teamwork skills, not only with peers or professors but with sites and different systems. So suddenly all of my previous four years of exhibiting "fantastic" professional team-working has been washed away because I changed my dissertation.

That letter is not going to be what they are expecting.

• I am going to be polite.
• I am going to be respectful.
• I am not going to be passive aggressive.
• I am not going to apologize for anything that was not my fault.
• I am not going to sugarcoat anything just to spare someone's feelings.
• I am not going to exaggerate or make false claims.
• I am going to tell them simply, from my point of view, what I would have changed/

   

~My new dissertation~

This research projects looks at a new computerized intervention and its usefulness in the school setting. I'm evaluating 'Camp Cope-A-Lot', which is a computerized treatment based on 'Coping Cat', for its applicability in improving classroom environments. Because CCAL has only been around for two years, it has only been used as it was originally intended- with one client, one therapist, and parents. All of my research on 'Coping Cat', (which has been around for a long time and is considered an evidence-based treatment), shows that is is wonderful for working with kids with anxiety. So I took a class that had a high-anxiety feel to its social atmosphere and adapted CCAL to be run as a group with them. And I'm looking to see if/how it is effective and what changes between pre and post program.

I had parents and the teacher fill out a pre and post program behavioral assessment on each child and I evaluated them and ran them all through the statistical analyses. Right now, I'm playing with all my numbers and deciding how I want to write up my results. I have a firm, ready to go, no more edits needed, Chapter 1. I know exactly how to talk about the meanings of my research. I am currently about a bazillion times further than I was on my old dissertation.

I am actually looking forward to presenting this dissertation at my final defense. I enjoy researching the topic. I am SO HAPPY about MY dissertation!